I give them a call.
Not for me to chat with them,
obviously that's given and essentially
that wasn't the reason why.
I call them just to see you.
"Oy, saan si nanay?"
I will always start with this.
Not:
"Hello."
"Saan si mama?"
"Sila uncle saan?"
No, those to me are trivial
whenever you guy visit her.
Though they are essential
but at that moment,
those few, gravely short moments,
grandma's the most important.
I could have called you were it not
you blacklist me from your phone
essentially denying me to call you whenever,
but i guess it's a just dessert for me
for not giving you as much time you want with me
and worst for having momentary thoughts
of you being part of the banalities.
"Wala na akong pe."
Your usual dialogue to me
to which I will oblige
out of duty,
tragically it's first duty before first I
felt emotions to actually wanting to give.
I'm really not a good kid.
Sorry I turned out this way.
It's not your fault though.
But let's not talk about me.
"Sige, nay, papadala ako,"
I'll always reply.
"Okay, pa yung padala dyan, nay?"
Me asking if the transfer of money is still working.
Oh! How I wish I can easily go there
as was before.
Oh! How I wish I can still stay there with for weeks or months just being your grandchild.
Oh! How I wish I can still carry rocks and if possible boulders and mountains back to your garden.
"Kailan uwi mo dito?"
she'd always ask and never:
"Kailan balik mo ulit dito?"
reminding me there will
always be a home for me to go there.
She'd follow it with her:
"Ikaw talaga ang paborito kong apo "
I always feel an ache in my heart
whenever i hear this.
I always feel two things,
and this is a constant for me.
one is that I don't deserve to be called that.
I'm never really a good child.
I know I should be proud to be her most cherish,
but it was never a mutual thing.
Believe you me though,
I always try to live up to it.
A sort of my own constant too,
A facade I'd try to keep when we see our faces between two screen and a large gap of a distant.
The other thing I feel whenever I'm called most beloved
Is the gap growing in between myself and my cousin.
We never talk now but I know we're still friends or I guess the best of friends much like the graffiti done on my grandma's wall by whichever of us that have a nice hand writing.
I do hope such promise written in contract of stone wiol be honored for a much longer moment.
With a face trying not to be red in blush,
I'd reply:
"Sige, nay, pakabait ka dyan."
A funny notion I came up original when
I was still a child and even now I still use.
I wanted to speak more
Or maybe it's you that wanted to.
But I do feel time gives me less and less
to have more of mine to give.
I admit to this sin to you.
I do hope you've forgiven me everytime.
You waving bye to me
before handing back the phone to my cousin.
How I wish my cousin would go to you more.
How I wish my cousin would always have a signal, a battery, his phone bill paid, or him to always be near you whenever I give a call
So at the very least I could call you.
How I wish you never put me on your blacklist so I could always call you directly.
How I wish I were never busy when you called me.
How I wish I never placed you in my blacklist or in restriction whenever you call so that you could always call me when needed.
How I wish this was never the reason why we can call eaxh other directly.
How I wish the distant is so close so I myself can visit.
How I wish I have more time so I can spend more time with you.
How I wish you have more time so I can spend more time with you.
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