Random Leaf #1524

"I'm afraid of death. Yet, when all alone and my thoughts are all that I have. I am having this welcoming sense of wanting to die. I don't know why. It must be regrets. I like regression stories. Maybe it's one of the reasons why I want to, you know, go and be done with things. I like isekai stories too. But the way things are, I doubt if there will be any god or goddess would grant me passage to another world. I'm greatly hopeless.

"I read of having this same feeling of not actually wanting to die but simply being inexisting. Getting strangely spirited away. Being forgotten. I'm afraid of pain. Maybe that's the reason why when I think of dying, I can't help but also think I'm going to hell. I've never been a good person. I try to but if we base things on morality, I am not someone who does things for kindness sake. I have my own motive. Most of the time, I just want to be playful. Some other time, I just want to see the world burn. Truth be told, I am evil. And as we all know, evil people do go to hell. And I'm pretty, I know where I'm going. I sometimes talk about it with other, I accept it where I'm going. But I'm very much afraid of getting hurt. And hell is, based on what I've read, will be a world filled with pain and hurt. Or am I actually in hell right now?

"Honestly, I hate being alone with my thoughts yet I feel more comfortable being by myself. There's no one to disagree with me and my thoughts on its own will formulate scripts and dialogues to further my own thoughts. Half of the time, I get to only getting on one side. Half, I get to see the other side.

"I want to die. Yet I don't want to. I'm what people would say, paradoxical, right? I hate it."

"No, you're just very lonely. That's all."